These past few weeks were a horrible build up of all kind of emotions. Not like I'd been thinking or focusing on all this but it was there, at the back of my head. The resilience to stress and bullshit was non existent. Resilience to stress after Sepsis is pretty close to zero anyway and stress effect on my health and life is massive. Sometimes I hate the weak person I became after this shit but I'm working on it and there's less and less thoughts like that.
Although this is my personal anniversary, there's a lot of people involved and that's one of the many reasons I'm sharing this with world. I also need to let it out..
A year ago today was just an ordinary beautiful day, it was also when we called ambulance, suspecting nothing really. Nothing that scary anyway.. A year ago today is when this new lifetime began..
Mike Tyson said that life is a beautiful journey to death. I like it, always lived by it and life indeed can be beautiful. I always used to say life's good, people are dicks. Getting back to thinking that again 😉
I also always believed that Everything that meant to be will be and everything happens for a reason.
Suffering post sepsis, depressed, with PTSD, weak and physically broken, with zero confidence I often wondered why I'm being punished in such a horrible way. I'm a good man Deep down there, I am whatever you say I am as Eminem raps and I'm not here to argue or prove nothing. The truth is, I'm a good, reasonable man with good heart. I just used to live my own life the way I wanted.
At some point I understood that it's not a punishment. It just happened. Although terrifying experience, There's a lot of lessons learned, a lot of discoveries, a lot of changes for better came out of it. I'd like to say I came back stronger but I didn't however I'm on the path to become a stronger man for sure . What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, cliche but so true. Slowly, patiently getting there. I'm like a diamond under pressure. It all just needs time.
If you live a healthy life I hope you appreciate how lucky you are. I hope you love that life and I wish this will never change for you.
If not, I feel for you. Last year did teach me what's it like to live with lifetime health condition, how everything changes, how much more careful you need to be with certain things, how much more reminders there's in your phone ie morning tablets, evening tablets, appointments, visits, scans, tests etc etc. How much more aware of things you have to be, how little things affect your moods, and how much more stress and pressure it puts on one's life. And how much harder it is to cope with that stress, pressure, bullshit. How much different personal life is, how much different it all looks in background. Just wanna say I respect, understand and admire you. All you living everyday with your conditions and its consequences. Keep it up, stay strong. Appreciate what you have don't waste time on worrying what you ain't got. Focus on controllable things and stay consistent and patient.
As days pass by I'm getting much stronger mentally now and I'm slowly getting back to who I used to be - a man living his life without worrying about being judged, without feeling guilty or giving 2 FS about those who ain't real and ain't really matter in the end of the day. I wish things were like before where I could just cope with shit better, be able to ignore not important things , be headstrong and not have those depression days, weeks caused by incidents, accidents, people..
Today makes me reflect on my life too. I went through 10 years of hard drugs addiction, through abusing alcohol and smoking weed for like 20 years. Through childhood & teenage anxiety. Through troubles with law and police . I bounced bk up from double bottom. Started over moving out to a foreign country 1000s miles away from home with nothing but suitcase and a little money. I went through clinical death and a long battle for life. I bounced of again . If you got imagination and intelligence you'd get a rough idea of my journey to here. I could tell you a stories some of you only seen on TV. Am I proud of it? Damn yes . Would I change anything ? No. It all created me and I am an awesome individual. Hard working. Experienced. Loving. Appreciating life. Understanding different levels of life. From that double bottom to husband, father, friend, fitness and mental coach, business owner..
So, anyway, anyone who cares, understands and wish me good for real, I'm sending you love and respect and I'll be here for you when you need me with no expectations . Anyone else, haters, fakers - as Will Smith said - keep my name out of your fucking mouth - go fuck yourselves and maybe, just maybe focus more on your miserable, boring ( obvs) lives. I still though, wish you a lot of health and the best in life and although it's the only way to truly understand what I went through I wish you never ever have to go through that hell still.
And just to finish with a word of advice. Stay fit. Not only for that six-pack, events, facing demons or mental health. Staying active and fit will save your life at some point. It will.
This how I feel today and just to warn you, there might be couple more posts coming up over next few days so you better mute me up 😉
Love to all. Still.