Last few months I'm trying to work out why and when I've turned into that not so positive, moaning, sad, lethargic, complaining, lost person..
Someone I wouldn't like to be, someone completely opposite to what I used to be.
Someone who I'd ( sorry) stay away from whenever possible. Ended up living with that person 247.
We all have our troubles and we all going through shit sometimes and I wasn't different but I'd never bother the world with my problems yet this year it all went out of the control.. I got weak, I've suffered, I was battling constantly welcoming problem after problem, I was losing it, I was dragged into dramas, wasted time on pointless arguments, dropped my guard and let vampires and envy ppl of boredomland sneak into my head. Got my priorities wrong on the way somewhere losing my perception of the world, my idea for LIVE, myself.. Was going deeper and deeper down every day, week, month..
I'm still working it out but maybe going back in time and trying to remember, then write down all the things will help to solve the mystery.. Why and where I fucked up..
2021..
Started with lockdown 🙈 several months of putting extra work (on top of the regular work) into every day life. Stress and pressure of being self employed, being provider continues from 2020. The lockdown itself wasn't as bad as those from year before yet it still had it affect. Business yes but also a family.. Not in position to complain about this one as quite few ppl would go through home schooling, pretty much living 247 with their partner, not having escape - physically or mentally, no breaks from reality. Coping with totally new issues and problems caused by lockdown - travelling, training, shopping, family interactions, opinion arguments, government decisions, individual people decisions and views etc etc I literally all the time lived with stress.. And, I'd like to take a moment and say how proud I am of my kids, wife, close family but also of every single one of you who survived it, found their own ways in that madness, came out of it. Not sure if you realise how good of a job you all did.. Keep it up..
Anyhow, once it looked like things start to getting better - business plan X sorted and seems to be working, personal life handled, mental health aspect promising, that feeling that finally I can slow down a bit, stop stressing and start focusing on what matters the Sepsis comes.. A death, rebirth, back to reality and coping with brand new issues, brand new life, seeing life differently but having a lot more of a struggles. The biggest struggles of my life. Not gonna go there again as most of you knows ( or maybe realise, coz noone really knows what I was actually coping with, going through) I was in hell. In hell hell for a long time. I can't explain and don't really care if you wish to try and understand. I lost life, health, purpose. I lost mind. Lost myself, lost everything, lost family. I lost sense and meaning of universe. There was me at the bottom of that hell, covered in hell's flames, looking up, reaching out, desperately seeking for a helpful hand to drag me out of there.. I don't know who am I anymore. You won't get it..
Finally I came out of it. Now I'm walking on the thin edge of reality and madness, coping with all the side effects of sepsis itself but also all the medications. Struggle with panic attacks, anxiety, deiression. PTSD is full on. But I'm surviving. Literally. It's not living the life I used to praise and love so much. It's surviving. For months. I recognise there's actually good people out there as although I need to do it alone, the good word, gesture, action made a massive difference. Maybe I was wrong about people.
Then my private life got affected and took the struggle to a whole new level. The feeling lost sensation and fear leading to almost suicidal thoughts, almost as there's still this little piece of me left that would block those thoughts using last bit of energy.. I'm fighting. I'm lost but I'm a fighter. And I think maybe I wasn't wrong about people. People so easy to judge, people loving rumours, not fucking bother about facts, fucking judgmental shallow human beings getting involved knowing half of the story, half of the truth. There's two sides of the coin. Anyway, whilst mind is busy trying to digest all the new reality here comes all the old injuries. Appointment after appointment, visit after visit. Knee, leg, teeth and finally shoulder. Here we come - an operation. It's just a rotator cuf open cut operation some would say but after all I went through and going through the op day was a nightmare. A mixture of fear, disappointment, panic and feeling sick sensation. It went well though although now I not only need to get over the fact that my heart will never be the same and its up to me how quick the progress of my 2 conditions will go but also the fact that I'm immobilised for 6 months if lucky. Now just try and imagine the race of my thoughts in my lost, blurry and foggy already mind.. Work, training, kids and family , competitions, bills to pay, expenses to look after.. Will this ever end?
It is a best example of 'from one extreme to the other'. I used to live happy, free life. Not bothered with opinions, stupidity and all sadness and dark, negative clouds around me. I knew what I want, was working my arse to get there because I knew what I want. Not for me and my ego only but for those close to me as well as those who counted on me. I was an ikon in my own world, maybe not always satisfied but tried to be a legend 😉
Think about it all. Think what matters in life. Think about changing attitude and think if it's really that bad? Realise that certain things don't grow on trees and some people work really hard on them, genuily liking that work, recognising satisfaction in it. Think what you could change and maybe even think how actually lucky you are reading my long story short..
I'd love to know that Im still motivating someone out there, helping them coping with their shit.
I'm tired and sick of all of it and although restricted Imma find a way!
So, fuck you 2021, fuck all negative, fake, judgmental ppl and situations. You are dicks and won't get nowhere, I'm sorry but that's the fact but I don't give two about that anymore.
It's time to get back to be a super fucking man, positive, motivating man on the way to his own happiness, spreading smiles and happy thoughts! The man that I'd like to hang out with and the man who's once again being seen as like he's got something good to offer!
Let's get back to be my not-so-normal normal 😉💚
Make life good again!