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What's life..

What is life?..

Well, life's just ups & downs with a little boring steady bits inbetween..

We all cope with our own shit thinking that stuff is most important. And it is most important. To us.

And I was no different to anyone else. Until 3 years ago when realised, that unless it's a serious health related problems that might lead to death, it's not that bad and it's copable. It's just tough.

I've had my ups and downs, the regular stuff - work, family, life. I've had few longer and deeper downs due to my drug addiction related past and due to being emotional introvert who faces mental issues ever since was a kid. I didn't know what it is, firstly just thought I'm stupid, then thought it's an anxiety but know I'm questioning if anxiety exists or if it's a byproduct of us overthinking shit.

Anyway, even though I was born with asthma so know what's it like to struggle with health , it wasn't until I was 42yo when I found out the real struggle.

Last 3 years is just a different battles on top of the old, regular ones. Sometimes it's better, sometimes worse.

It's like with a gym or other training / workout. When you have a good day - you'll smash it. On the bad day you need to make yourself to even give it a go. Same with this. When I feel good, I'm just going with it, living with it. On bad day though, I'm fighting it.

I'd like to think that I went through a lot but there's a massive lot I didn't go through. And for you to understand and feel me, without surviving what I survived, is hard. And vice versa. For example, I never broke a knee, so I can feel sorry for you but have no idea how you feel.

This past few years I'm trying to get stronger, to find solution. Every race, every run I go out there and hope I'll be fine. But I'm not. Very often. I regroup and go and try again. Research, read, talk, try different approaches. I'm getting there but it's never 💯.

This procedure I've had was a big deal. Firstly, I suffer from post sepsis PTSD and hospitals and its beeping monitors bring me to the panic edge. But I've decided I'd do it because I want to get better. It was a big deal I was waiting for for 3 years.. And it didn't work..

What happened on Friday?

Long story short. I went trough severe sepsis in 2021. Died, came back, survived, recovered but shit left the damage on heart. Ever since I suffer from afib & SVT. Meds nthat. Still having episodes which aren't pleasant and can be dangerous. Friday I went through procedure called ablation which could  help to come of meds and stay episodes free. I'm there, all plugged in, drugged but aware with massive hole in my groin, pipe in main aort and 4 catheters near my heart. The trick was to trigger my heart into episode so surgeon knows which cells to burn. Unfortunately nothing would trigger heart to do so in those environments which made impossible for them to their job . Apparently happens to 10%. Not sure what's next. I'll recover, overcome and the we'll see.

Imagine you hate your job for 3 years and then your boss tells you, soon you'll get promotion, bonus and be moved to department you dream off. Then just before it all gets official he's gone leaving you where you are. Or, imagine you live at sharehouse and you just don't sleep and are unhappy but you was saving £, put deposit in and bought apartment but just before moving in it got flooded and destroyed and you can't move in.. That is how it felt.

But today I'm OK.

I daubted in universe but everything happens for a reason. Who knows, maybe if they proceed I'd ended up with heart attack, or stroke? That's some of risks. Or anything else could have happened. Today I'm OK, life goes on and at least I've got this 3 years experience of living with it. Of course I'd rather have had it done successfully. How much easier would it be to cope with those regular ups and downs...

Peace and love.

Never give up. Trust the universe.


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